Source: Pan Xingzhi (ID: Sharpshow)
I have difficulties in growth. I love to know how to know
Hello, teacher:
My husband has always wanted a second child, and his daughter also wanted a younger brother and sister.
Half a year ago, I accidentally had an unexpected miscarriage. My husband was very hit, and the whole person was stunned.During the abortion, the daughter also witnessed the whole process, and suddenly sat up and cried in the middle of the night.
Recently, she asked again when her mother regenerated her baby.Once I also said that I don’t want my brother and sister, I am afraid that my brother and sister will be thrown into the trash.(At that time, she saw the doctor did this)
She is not as good as last semester in her studies. I think this is buried in her heart. At that time, my father was not in good condition. I have been enlightening. She estimates that she can be aware of it.Speaking.
Two days ago I was chatting with Dad, and he still wanted a second child deep inside.
I have also thought about it, worried that I have experienced double torture again, so from the original tangles, I really don’t want it now.But I didn’t dare to tell him, for fear he would feel incompetent and stunned again.
This incident cannot be reached with my husband, so I cannot explain to her daughter, and I cannot solve the knot in her heart.
Want to ask the teacher, how to communicate with my old man?How to enlighten my daughter out of this shadow?
After letting go of the second child policy, there are really a few happy and a few sorrows, which has caused many social problems.
Among the relatives, friends and visitors around me, there are also many controversy and confusion about the second child, so I want to say to the partner I ask questions that your question is very representative.
See from your description, you have experienced an unexpected second child and unexpectedly miscarriage. This process is very difficult for you.A big influence.
You may have made important choices after careful consideration and decide to give up the second child, but your husband and daughter are particularly looking forward to the second child.
It is too embarrassing to choose to choose in your needs and the expectations of her husband and daughter.
No wonder you will say, you don’t dare to tell your husband, for fear that he feels incompetent because of your decision, and you are worried that seeing your husband will be stunned again, I can particularly realize the fear you said.
But this incident is now in your heart, which will also affect the status and mood of your husband, as well as the psychology of your daughter and her learning, which may have a certain impact on the entire atmosphere of the family.
So it is really necessary to take it out and think about how to express and communicate, which is a more important thing for your family.
Before communicating with your husband, you need to prepare the following aspects:
First of all, we must be prepared for full self -awareness.What is the mood and expectation after an accident?What kind of torture do you suffer after accidents?What is the needs behind the torture?
What are your views, understanding and meaning of the second child?
You dare not tell your husband your decision, what are you afraid of?
In addition to being afraid of your husband’s state, what are you afraid of?For example, will you worry about your husband and wife, will you worry about your relationship with your daughter, etc.
The above awareness is the material in the communication with your husband, and you have to express with him.
The next awareness is what the purpose of your communication this time.Do you want to persuade your husband to support your decision, and gladly agree with your choice?
Or, after you decide not to be in the second child, I still hope that my husband can have no regrets?
Or the purpose of communication is to express the true thoughts and needs of their respective hearts. Seeing everyone’s differences, see how to understand each other to understand each other, and then seek common groundwork?
This point of self -awareness is very important, because this is related to the result of your communication and everyone’s views on the results, which may affect your next mood, relationship and life.
In my opinion, the first two purposes are almost impossible to achieve, at least now or in a short period of time. If the goal of communication is at the last point, it may be a more reasonable expectation and goal.
The second preparations before communication: Take time and energy to inadvertently understand what your husband and daughter’s view, understanding and significance of the second child.
When you understand your husband and your daughter’s thoughts on the second child, and then communicate with them, you will be up to their mood.They can maintain their opinions on their words and deeds, but they must accept their mood.
When you can’t understand their thoughts, you can easily make the other party feel that you are just fighting for your needs.
Next, we talk about how to communicate.
Communication is a pretty topic and a very complicated system. This time I will talk about your current state.
In general, we must respect ourselves while respecting each other, to see the existence of the other party, but also what this situation is.
1. Responsible for choosing the needs behind the second child.
For example, you can tell your husband that I can talk to you today and have a great courage.
In fact, I am afraid to give you this, it is difficult to say this sentence, but I hope you can give me a little time and let me tell you the pain in my heart, because you are right with your children and our relationship.I am too important.
2. Before communication, we must go to my husband’s mood.
Giving up the second child may have a different idea and significance for him. For example, if you say he will feel incompetent, then for him, what this incompetence is, this is what you need to know before communication.
3. Explain that you decide not to worry and worry about the second child, and the tangles and tangles in the process of doing not to do the second child.
You said that it was tangled before, but now it is not tangled. I firmly believe that this process must be difficult.Therefore, you need to detect this part by yourself, and then express it to your husband with emotions and language consistency.
4. Ask your husband to tell you what he said, what is his opinion and mood.
For example, what kind of thoughts do you think of my husband just now, do you have any consent or disagreement?
5. Maintain a true and sincere and open attitude in the entire communication and exchanges.
This attitude is very important.Your tone, expression, and eyes must be consistent with the content of your speech. Avoid expressing your sad part with accusations or angry tone.
6. Coordinate the decisions that both people can accept.
For example, you can say to your husband that the second child is different from you. I suddenly said that decisions are not available, and you must be difficult to accept.Give you some time to maintain different views and opinions, and digest these parts.
Regarding communication with my daughter, first of all, I don’t know how big your daughter is. You can communicate with more than ten years old. If you are within ten years old, your expression and tone may be more important than your content.
In terms of children, we must first recognize the child’s mood. Before communicating, you must also understand what the purpose and significance of your daughter wants to be a second child.
I guess whether there are more families in her class in her class. She feels that she seems to be missing compared to others, or she sees that her father is so sad because she is so sad that she wants to give her dad some strength and support.
It is impossible. She feels too lonely, or adults once said in front of her that a child is too lonely, and a sister and brother are a companion to make her want to have a playmate.
In short, we must first understand his views and needs for the second child and what the significance for him can give her corresponding support for her different needs.
In this process, the child needs to be understood slowly. In terms of whether the second child is, her feelings and needs are important, but her opinions can only have the right to propose and have no decision.
In a sense, it is better to create a sense of boundary.
Because in the consultation process, some visitors were discussing with their children, but their final decision was different from the children’s requirements, and they also had a great blow to children.Children will feel that since you ask me, you don’t respect my opinions.
In this regard, you can accept and understand her mood unconditionally, but whether the second child is the case is not what the child can do, this is your husband and wife.
In my opinion, how to look at the second child’s problem depends to a greater extent on your attitude of you and his husband.
Especially when you both cannot reach an agreement, whether you can consider her needs and mood when your daughter is present, this may be more important than letting her decide whether to decide whether to do secondly.
Regarding the whole process of your daughter witnessed the entire process of miscarriage, it seems that the child’s mind has suffered a certain harm. It may be difficult to give her tease. It is recommended that you ask for help.It will be appropriate.
In the end, I want to emphasize that where you communicate with your husband and exchanges are important. For example, if you look forward to the second child, your husband is glad to accept it.
Maybe I dug a big pit for myself, and there was a big problem.Such a goal is also unfair to your husband, and you will feel frustrated to your communication this time.
The understanding and understanding of each other, and seeking common groundwork will help you cross this difficulty.If you think it is difficult to communicate with your husband, you can also go to the consultation room to seek the help of an emotional counselor.
——The consultant recommends ——
Wang Junlan, female, knows online senior emotional counselor, national second -level psychological counselor.
Consultation style: affinity, support, exploration, keen; I believe everyone is an expert who solves their problems.
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